Washing Dishes-A Metaphor for Healing

Washing Dishes
A Metaphor for Healing
By
Theresa Chaze



Emotional healing is like washing dishes. A strange comparison, yes but an accurate one. Washing dishes removes left over food from the dinnerware; emotional healing removes pain from our souls. For both of them, the longer the waste has been there, the more difficult it is to wash it away. Unlike permanently stained dishes, you can not simply toss away your soul and get another. However, the more quickly you deal with the injury, like dishes, the easier it is to take care of the problem. Yet sometimes the damage is so devastating that like a burned casserole dish it will take a lot of work and time to get it clean.

After a meal, if the dishes are washed or rinsed right away, they clean quickly and easily. However if they are left for any length of time, the food dries to the plate and it will take more effort to cleanse them. The same is also true for emotional hurts. If you deal with them at the time of the injury, you can deal directly with the source. Being open and honest about how you feel clears up misunderstandings and prevents the issue from being clouded by other factors.

However if you are unable, for whatever reason, to deal openly with the wounded feelings, they begin to fester and expand into other aspects of your life. Until it is dealt with, the hurt will not simply go away. Instead like a dish that has been left too long, it will attracted flies and eventually transmute into something icky--like mold. So do hurt feeling attract undesirable emotions like fear, anger and self doubt. None of those emotions are truly negative; it’s not being able to get past them that leads to further problems. Unlike the food that becomes the mold, the emotions are not changed, but they change the person from the inside out. Getting stuck in them only leads a person to do and say things they normally wouldn’t, which spreads the negativity to others.

So how is the cycle broken? Being honest, self aware and honoring yourself enough to speak your mind and stand your ground are ways misunderstandings are prevented. You don’t have to be aggressive or self pitying to tell another that their behavior or words were hurtful. Sometimes people don’t realize how their bad mood is affecting others. Everyone at some point has gotten so wrapped up in their challenges that they have forgotten the niceties. This doesn’t mean that they will always care. There are people who go out of their way to hurt others, mostly because that is how they deal with their own pain. However, by stating your feelings openly, honestly and with compassion, you get them out into the open. But you must remember not to take their reaction personally. It is this clearing that heals, not how the person responds. By stating your truth you are able to wash your plate clean and move on.

Yet what if you haven’t or couldn’t deal with the issue immediately or the person is no longer available? Be honest with yourself. It’s the denial of the feelings that give them power over you. If your feelings were hurt--acknowledge it. The more honest you are with yourself, the less likely you are to misdirect the feeling onto others who had nothing to do with the injury. However if you can’t for what ever reason deal with the situation or person at the time, step back and get perspective. It’s like taking time to soak the really dirty dishes, while you wash the easier ones. By the time you get to them, the dried food has softened and will be easier to remove. Emotionally you have more options: Talk to another to get an more objective perspective; it’s possible your issues could have lead you to over react. Get more information; there might be more going on than you were aware of. Consider that you were responsible; previously you could have hurt their feelings and that situation hadn’t been dealt with. Or it could simple be that both of you just happen to meet while both of you were having a bad day; in that case both forgive yourself and the other person then move on.

Yet like a burnt casserole dish, there are situations that are so traumatic that they simple can not be healed immediately. Unlike like cross words, lies or misunderstandings, these injuries usually affect the persons whole life or have happened over an extended period of time. In these cases, there are no quick fixes--no words that can alleviate the pain. The dish can be tossed, but the emotional injury can’t be. In these cases the pain is so devastating that it is forgotten or buried because the person simply can’t deal with it. Whether it’s fear or lack of self esteem, they refuses to admit they are in pain. By doing so they do not have to deal with the source of their hurt.

In the cases of childhood trauma, many children are taught to honor their parents, no matter how much damage they do. They feel that they do not have the right to be angry with the parent or to hold them accountable for their actions, simply because of who they are. They turn their anger inward. Instead of confronting the source of their pain, they become self abusive. Frequently, as they grow into adulthood, they find others who reinforce the self image their parents cultivated. The abuse continues and is eventually spread to the next generation as the off-spring inherit the abused behavior. In cases when the source is a stranger, confusion and self-doubt is added as the person questions why they were chosen--what did they do to attract the abusive person’s attention? In many cases, they can not find a logical reason, as a result they blame themselves. So in addition to the physical injuries, they take on the emotional responsibility for the actions of another. Instead of blaming the perpetrator, they feel guilty for the attack. In both instances, the longer the pain is not acknowledge, the more difficult it will be to deal with the true source of the pain.

Healing begins by acknowledging that there is a problem and finding the root source. Until that happens, only the symptoms can be addressed. But dealing with the symptom doesn’t cure anything. Cure one and another one will manifest, usually more intense than the previous. Until the true source of the injury is exposed, the behaviors and inner torment will continue. Like the casserole dish, only time, a good soak and a lot of hard work will cleanse the ick away. For emotions, the soak usually involves many tears and a good support team. Friends, family, and professionals working together to help rebuild what was torn apart are essential parts of the healing process. They are the support staff. But the head of the team is always the person and their determination to heal. Until the person makes the decision to confront the source directly, no matter who they are, and properly place the blame, they will not heal. Confrontation doesn’t necessary need to be a physical encounter, but acknowledging who is responsible. Who caused the pain? Who did the hurting? The old wounds have to be opened and the source of the pain brought into the light. Initially the process will be very painful, causing the person to want to go back into denial. Like peeling back the layers of an onion, the healing process will open old wounds and reawaken old memories until the original source is discovered. At each new level, the person learns to understand more about themselves and become stronger for it. The inwardly turned anger is eventually turned outward and focused on the source of the pain. Professional supervision will keep the healing process moving forward on a positive level. Getting stuck in the blame game will only halt you positive progression. Whether or not the other person takes responsibility for their actions has no bearing on you healing process. Like with the small hurts, honoring your truth and respecting yourself is the goal and the way to move forward. By allowing yourself to see the truth of your life without guilt, fear, or anger you see past as just that--the past. You physically survived it, now it is time to truly live through it and move forward.

Free Ezine: Messages From the Universe--An Ezine of Many Voices

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Valkyrie Publishing is proud to announce the beginning of it second year publishing, Messages From the Universe. This ezine’s goal is to give a voice to diverse points of view and spiritual wisdom. However, unlike most spiritual ezines, Messages From the Universe encompasses all aspects of life, not just those who follow mystical topics. Instead of differentiating between the spiritual and the mundane, this ezine intertwines all aspects of life in a single forum.
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Emotional and Spiritual Healing Happens When We are Open

Emotional and Spiritual Healing Happens When We are Open

There is the belief that wisdom and understanding comes to us when we are ready to accept it. Even though it may have been presented many times before, we are blinded to it by our own issues and challenges. However, when we have reached the point of personal growth or have hit bottom, we are open to change, then we will receive the messages we need to heal old wounds or achieve a new understanding.

My last epiphany came while watching Days of Our Lives. It was after the death of one of the characters that I saw one of my stumbling blocks through out life. On the show, the family came together in mutual support and comfort. No one person was singled out to receive all the attention nor was one person the caretaker for the rest of the family. They reached out to each other with unconditional love and support. Their grief pulled them together making each member stronger and helping each of them heal.

While I watched the characters on the screen, I flashed back to when my mother died. Her death was sudden and unexpected. Although we hadn’t been close in a long time, we had just started to rebuild a relationship. The car accident ended that healing process. Driving back to my hometown, I tried to sort out what I felt. In fact, there was so much I felt nothing. The next three days were filled with questions, arrangements and confusion. My father’s reaction was typical of his past behavior. It was like he found a new sense of power. Growing up his alcoholic actions kept the household in chaos. My three brothers and myself never knew what or when, just that it was coming. The household had to be all about him. My mother’s death was no different. Not once did he attempt to comfort us. When we reached out of to each other, he again brought the attention back to himself. He needed to be the center of attention. It was his loss. He’s grief. She was his wife, but she was also our mother. It would have been different if their relationship had been based on love and respect. Instead, she was his caretaker, not a love mate. We were related by blood, but we had never created a family bond.

My mother’s sisters and their families were more concern about who was now going to take care of the ailing matriarch of the family. Even though Mom had two sisters, she was their mother’s sole caregiver. Her sisters always seemed to be too involved with their own lives to help very often. It was only when Mom insisted that they found the time. Now that she was dead, they were trying to decide who was going to be stuck with her. I watched them plan and cry, yet I wasn’t part of it. I was separate and alone. It’s hard to break down when everyone else is already in emotional pieces; someone has to hold it together long enough to find the glue. I cooked food, made coffee, comforted others--all the things I should do, yet I couldn’t feel my own grief. It was locked away behind the closet with all the other feelings that I couldn’t or wouldn’t acknowledge.

As I sat on my couch years later, those scenes in a soap opera gave me a point of clarity. Looking back, those four days were a microcosm of what my life had been. There were those who received support and those who gave it. Rarely were the roles ever exchanged. Two incidents came to mind. I was upset over something; my father mocked me for being a crybaby. Another time, I had headphones on and was enjoying music; he ridiculed me for smiling. In the big picture, neither were earth shattering or life threatening, but they were soul and behavior altering. I learned support came with a price if it came at all and that letting others see your soft under belly made you vulnerable. However, if you held back and became a support system, you would be needed therefore you would be safe. I became a cheerleader for others. Freely giving aid, yet afraid to complete the cycle and allow others to help me. I found it easy to share to share my blessing and the good things in my life, but when I was hurt or sad, I either put it away behind the locked door of the closet or hide away to comfort myself. To the outside world, I showed the positive, happy me, while the closet became fuller.

In looking back and then forward, I realized that as adult we give to others what we wanted as children and didn’t receive. Growing up support and encouragement didn’t exist for me. I never learned how to receive without feeling that it came with a price. Life is not a tit for tat. But a share experience that needs to be in balance for it to be healthy. All the times, I thought I was being generous, the reality was that I was being selfish. I shared my things, my resources and what I have learned, but never me. I didn’t have the courage let others know the whole of me--the good, bad and the ugly. There had been glimpses when I became so over whelmed I could no longer hide it. But I would have rather ate ground glass than to show others they had hurt my feelings. The simple fact was that I didn’t trust that I would be caught if I let myself fall; after all I was all I was always the one with the glue.

For me the change came after a sexual assault that filled the closet to over flowing. There was no longer any room left for me to hide away emotional stuff I didn’t want to deal with. I had an emotional break down that nearly lead to suicide. I had a choice to make--the razor blade or dealing with old shit. Once the door came off, there was no going back and I was finally ready to emotionally hear the message. There has been and will continue to be tears. There will be anger. There will be regret and all the other emotions I never allowed myself to feel. However, there will also be healing and a new beginning as I do my best to let others help me without feeling shame or fear.